The best marriage advice ever (or what I wish I'd known 30 years ago)

Today is an important day in the history of my life.  On this day 30 years ago, I was a starry-eyed bride.

I'm stunned even as I write it: my husband and I have been married 30 years.  30 years!!

As we walked down the aisle together, I was absolutely certain we were heading into our very own happily-ever-after.

Boy, did I have a lot to learn.  Thank God, I've had lots of time for learning.

In honor of this special day, I'm going to tell you my secrets to a good, long-lived marriage. This is what I wish I'd known on this day 30 years ago.  The best marriage advice ever.

It's a pretty short list:

1. Learn to forgive.
2. Seek forgiveness.
3. Practice forgiveness.

That's it. Those are the secrets.

Is there a key to a good marriage?  Yes.  Forgiveness is the key.

It seems that I must learn most things the hard way. One thing I've learned is that you shouldn't take marriage advice from someone who's never had marital struggles.  Perhaps that sounds counter-intuitive, but I've learned that it's true. It's quite easy for people whose marriage is all smooth sailing to THINK they know the secrets to a happy marriage. But I've learned that the best training for good sailing is to weather some storms and come out still afloat.

When I was a bride, I thought I knew the secret to a successful marriage. I was reared to strive for perfection in all that I did. I wasn't very good with forgiveness, because I believed that it would be better to avoid mistakes and not ever need forgiveness. I tried hard never to let God or my husband down, and I really thought my hard work would be the key.

I failed. I failed miserably. That didn't stop me from trying again, though, each new effort more valiant than the last. Stubbornly I clung to the thought that my marriage was different, that my husband and I were special. I just knew that God would honor my efforts and that we would be rewarded with an amazing marriage.

I was wrong. Only after my marriage has suffered some major crises have I finally learned.

I am human. My husband is human. We are learning and growing and trying to be like Jesus, but we make mistakes. Sometimes we make really bad mistakes. And over the years, some of our mistakes have deeply hurt us. I've hurt him. He's hurt me.  

But in the midst of the pain, here's what I've learned: With God's help, there is no hurt that cannot heal. There is no sin that can't be forgiven. God is powerful enough to redeem even the most difficult of situations.

That might sound unbelievable, even ridiculous to you.  And without God's help, it IS unbelievable. It's impossible.  Remember Jesus told his followers "Without me you can do nothing" (John 15:5). But we don't have to do it without the Lord; we get to do it with Him.  And the truth is that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13).

Of course, there are times when one person doesn't want to be redeemed. I know that's true, and I'm so sad for people who find themselves in those situations. Sometimes there are spouses who must flee a marriage simply to protect themselves or their children.

But for those of us who have spouses who are willing to work with us, I stand by my list.

1. Learn to forgive.
2. Seek forgiveness.
3. Practice forgiveness.

If I could go back and tell my young self what to expect from marriage, here's what I'd say:

Sometimes marriage will be wonderful.  Other times, marriage will be dreadful.  You will falter. You will fall. You will hurt and be hurt. But with true forgiveness, you can make it.

And my prayer for spouses, today and every day, would be this:

We have not ceased praying for you and asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of God's will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you may lead lives worthy of the Lord, fulling pleasing to him, as you bear fruit in every good work and as you grow in the knowledge of God. May you be made strong with all the strength that comes from his glorious power, and may you be prepared to endure everything with patience, while joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has enabled you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the light.  He has rescued us from the power of darkness and transferred us into the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. (Colossians 1:9-14)

I did not get my happily ever after.  But after 30 years, I can say that I got something even better.

In any marriage, you will not live happily ever after. You will have times of pain of sorrow. But with the Lord's help, "all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well" (Julian of Norwich).